Jonny Hobo

Trail Ends Here

2006-05-20T17:36:00.000-07:00

This blog is temporarily shut down due to a temporary yet indefinite suspension of all travel and otherwise interesting life activities. When such indefinite activities are scheduled to resume the appropriate authorities shall be appropriately notified and the aforementioned earnest blogging will continue in aforementioned earnest. Thank you for your indefinite understanding.

Sincerely,
J. Hobonathan

Those Crazy Canadians

2006-04-26T11:46:00.000-07:00

Those Crazy Colombians

2006-04-26T11:25:00.000-07:00

High Art

2006-04-26T11:10:00.000-07:00

I spent two weeks in Bogota, watching the international theatre festival. The culmination of my artsy-fartsiness was when I went to a performance of an exerpt of Dante's Inferno (The Divine Comedy). It was performed in three languages, all three of which I speak, but still somehow I understood nothing. Here is an image for you:

Three naked women hanging from tree branches, one of whom is playing the accordian. The crazy thing is it was performed outside, at night, in the rain, at 2500 meters. I forget which exact level of Hell it was supposed to be, but I guess they were method acting...

Your number one fan

2006-04-13T11:18:00.000-07:00

This blog entry is dedicated to my cousin Jessa because she's so cool.

She's also the greatest writer in recorded history, so go check out her work at www.jessasinclair.com.

Self Importance

2006-04-11T09:52:00.000-07:00

Someone once told me that blogs are self important... Well here's my response... a collection of random self-importance.

My parents.

My kid brother.

My Grandad

My Grandma.

My job.

My conscience.

My gay lover.

My cottage.

My friend Chris who's only half there.

My friend Mark who's lost in Nicaragua.

A random building in Argentina.

Two old people fishing on a beach.

Colca Canyon

2006-04-10T11:33:00.003-07:00

Finally, some more photos. This is Colca, twice as deep as the Grand Canyon.

Indianna Jonny

Our descent into the depths.

They can't afford barbed wire down here.

Waiting for the Condor to Pasa.

Luke-warm springs.

Huacachina Oasis. Only thing missing was the camels.

Machu Pichu

2006-04-10T11:02:00.000-07:00

A smaller ruin called WeenyWiney or something.

Me taking a break on the Inca Trail.

Some other guy in a WeenyWiney suit.

That's what I'm talking about. Machu Pichu in the morning light.

Some very colour-coordinated kids in Aguas Calientes

A lizard. Also a very good shot of my deformed finger.

Salchipapa. Fine Peruvian cuisine. Fries and chopped up hot dog. With mustard, ketchup and mayo.

A classic photo.

Hot Tamali, stopping to smell the roses.

Cusco

2006-04-10T10:17:00.000-07:00

Alright, this is Cusco, formerly the capital of the Incan Empire, now the most touristy city on the planet. I was here about three weeks ago, so I forget what it was like.

Most of Cusco is built on ancient Incan foundations like this... 500 years old, and still in great shape.

Check out that stonework. There´s no cement between those cracks. Perfect.

Of course when the Spanish came they knocked down the Inca walls to make room for their own exceptional masonry.

Colombia's Treasure

2006-04-05T11:00:00.000-07:00

Bogota. Colombia. In the streets, I see a crowded plaza in the centre of town. It is filled with men. Only men. Powerful men in business suits. Standing. Discussing. Hushed tones. Close conversation. What are they talking about? Secret deals. Handshakes. Business. I watch, and see them hand small white paper packets back and forth. What could it be? They furtively inspect the contents of the packets for purity. Quality. Finally, after much debate, they agree on a price. A deal is made. Here, in the broad light of day! Before my very eyes? Could this be legal? Only in Colombia. But I need to satisfy my curiosity. I approach the men. I pose as a buyer. They instantly flock around me, eager to show me their wares. An old man in a fedora produces a white paper and opens it just enough for me to inspect its contents. Inside... a flash of green. Green? Ahhh! Beautiful. But of course. These are the Emerald Merchants.

Inka Colada

2006-03-31T09:19:00.000-08:00

My apologies to the millions of people who view this blog daily for my extended absence. I have been high up in the Peruvian Andes chasing the legendary Lost City of the Inkas. And I - unlike the Spanish Conquistadors - found it. I also found 3000 other tourists who had all paid ridiculous sums of money to take the following picture (which I downloaded from the web).

So that was fun. Then I went down in a really deep canyon to find the famous Condor that passes in the song 'El Condor Pasa'... I found him too, even though the bus ride was six hours long and was really bumpy and had no bathroom. And we stayed at a hostal that had no electricity and was built by pre-Inka peoples and there were big centipedes and a plant that can make you blind. Now my ankles hurt so I'm drinking piña coladas at the oasis pictured below.

Cusco

2006-03-23T15:27:00.000-08:00

My cd-burner is broken so I can't upload photos right now. Boo. Anyway, I'm going to visit Machu Pichu tomorrow, along with 1.2 gazillion other tourists. I will hopefully get things in order when I get back. Until then you can check out my brother's blog and see what he's up to in India!

www.krishnik.blogspot.com

Big Mamas

2006-03-15T14:37:00.000-08:00

Here in Bolivia, the indigenous women all dress in bowler hats and big puffy skirts. They are often seen carrying babies or other parephenalia on their backs inside large rainbow-coloured pouches. On Sundays, they go into the ring and wrestle each other.

Manu

2006-03-12T08:07:00.000-08:00

Went to see Manu Chao last night. He rocked La Paz. Dedicated 'Me Gustas Tu' to ¨The world's number one terrorist... the greatest danger to our families and our children, the president of the United States, Mr. George W. Bush.¨ Ha.

Lost in Translation

2006-03-11T07:13:00.000-08:00

Did a double take yesterday when I was looking at the english translation of the hot beverages menu and found I could order ¨Kill You¨.

It took me a long time to figure out that the word 'maté' (South American tea) could be seen as the past tense of the verb to 'kill'... (matar) and the same goes for 'té', (tea) which is also the personal pronoun for 'you'. (te).

Could be bad for business to have 'kill you' on the menu, though. Here's some other classic dishes they had:

cremates of mushroom
creen of tomat
lihice (lettuce)
esteemed potatoes
spicen tomgue
noble or rice dried
fired banana
bolden chicken
meshed potatoes
crumbled chicken
chicken noccets
com 'n the cob
pisco of real black mark

My favourite was the esteemed potatoes.

God's Country

2006-03-09T10:59:00.000-08:00

On March 5th we set out on a 3 day expedition from Chile to Bolivia. A breathtaking trip, you might say.

Our crew. A Pom, four Micks and me.

Our captain and his ship.

Yay.

Buncha whities chillin' at the hotsprings.

This is where Ken Kesey was last seen.

Alien spacecraft landing.

A stone igloo.

Normal lake? Not. This lake CHANGES COLOUR in the afternoon. Check it out:

Just goes all red like that. Something to do with minerals n wind or somethin. The flamingos like to hang out here because they're the same colour as it.

Total redness.

Dig the redness.

Yer man John 'n yer woman Ali. They're a luvley couple in all fairness...

...jeez it could be Ireland like.

Dali was here.

Yes I was wearing a cowboy hat in the last picture.

Then we hit the salt flat of Uyuni. Biggest one in the world. All that white stuff is salt and it goes on and on for two hundred miles.

There's a Salt Hotel right in the middle.

Everything's built out of salt. Tables, chairs, beds. Yup. We stayed here.

Okay. Now it starts to get truly weird. After the rainy season, the salt gets covered by a few inches of water.

That didn't stop us from driving right through it.

Out here, it's hard to tell where the water stops and the sky begins.

It's the same in every direction. You just float there. I'm telling you... it messes with your brain.

This lady came with us and cooked us some good soup. It looks like a Caribbean beach. But don't be fooled...

Some never make it out alive.

Or maybe it was all a dream...

Bolivia

2006-03-08T16:19:00.000-08:00

Hi folks. Just arrived in Bolivia after a crazy 3 day trek through the desert. I'm in Potosi, the highest city of its size (100 000) in the world. That's the view from my hostel, up here at 4000 meters (that's 4 kilometers) above sea level. Kinda feels like being on Mount Olympus. Gotta drink coca tea to survive up here. I believe I've discovered Tolkein's inspiration for the Dwarven race... These Potosians are a short swarthy folk who live up in the mountains and just can't get enough mining. In fact there is a whole network of underground tunnels beneath the city.... Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go eat some llama pizza.

Valle de la Luna

2006-03-03T11:34:00.000-08:00

Alright, so this here is my expedition to the Valle de la Luna... which is a pretty wierd place I gotta say.

You can click on these pictures to make them even bigger!

The whole place is actually made of chocolate cake.

Like one of those Dairy Queen commercials y´know?

I´m gonna shut up now and let the pics do the talking.

Valpo. Redux.

2006-03-03T10:35:00.000-08:00

Here are some pics of Valparaiso, the crazy port city on the Chilean coast closest to Santiago. I was there last week for a bit... It's all out of order, yeah I know, shut up.

First of all, the girls.

On the beach, watching the destroyers go by.

A boat.

Calamari?

Colourful slanty houses.

City hall, or some such...

Elevators. People use these to get around.

My hostel was up that street there.

San Pedro de Atacama

2006-03-01T08:58:00.000-08:00

I didn´t take this picture. I go there tomorrow. It´s called la Valle de la Luna... and that´s not water, it´s salt. Cool, hunh? So yeah, I´m in the middle of a desert. The internet is painfully slow and expensive here. That's why I haven´t posted more pictures. San Pedro is near the border of Bolivia. I think it´s the official start of the Gringo Trail. This Chilean guy took me out to see the town last night. I quickly realized he was gay, but I didn't have the heart to tell him I wasn't. So I slept with him. No, just kidding. But we did go to this after-hours bonfire thing. Saw the stars. Talked Spanish all night. It was very romantic.

And The Receipt Goes To...

2006-02-26T08:24:00.000-08:00

If there were an Academy award for Best Receipt-Giving Country, Chile would win it hands down. Here you cannot spend a peso without getting a receipt for it. Buy a doughnut. Here´s your receipt. Get your shoes shined. Here´s your receipt. Spend 15 minutes at an internet cafe. Here´s your receipt. Take a bus ride. No, it´s not a transfer... it´s a receipt! Buy an ICE CREAM CONE AT THE BEACH... Don´t forget your receipt! And they don´t let you leave without it. My pockets are constantly full with little colourful paper receipts averaging about 40 cents each. Here kids in candy stores are well taught in personal accounting. No wonder their economy is doing so well.

Frustration.

2006-02-25T05:10:00.000-08:00

Stuck in a room with a Swedish girl and a Brazilian guy who are clearly infatuated with each other. Know when I´m a third wheel. Decide to split. Head up the coast to La Serena. Wanna go out tonight? Nah, gotta get up early tomorrow to catch a bus. Ok. Get up early. Go to bus station. No bus till 10:45pm. Damn. Sit around all day. Waste time. Go see a movie. Pink Panther. Looking forward to it... ach, it´s dubbed in Spanish. Steve Martin´s Clousseau destroyed. Finally 10:35... get to bus station. Only bus there says 10:30. Where´s the 10:45? DRIVER 1: Oh, it´s down at gate 7. Ok. Wait at gate 7. Bus pulls in. Are you going to La Serena? DRIVER 2: No, that bus is in gate 1 thru 4. Ok. Back to gate 1-4. Has the 10:45 pulled in yet? DRIVER 3: No, but it´s coming from Viña del Mar, so it might be late. Ok, I wait. No more buses. Office is closed. Finally I see a bus driver. What´s the deal with the 10:45? DRIVER 4: Just a sec, come with me... oh, the office is closed...hm... pardon us, we have no phones... oh, yeah, Jose tell´s me it´s Gone. Gone? Yeah, no more buses till tomorrow. Damn. Yeah, but don´t worry, you can change your ticket tomorrow. Okay. Fine. Back to the hostel. Waste money on accomodation I would have saved on night bus. It´s Friday night. Everybody´s out having fun but me. Try to sleep. Woken up by Swedish girl and Brazilian guy. They´re hammered. They thought they were gonna get it on in our room, but Surprise! I´m back! So they proceed to the washroom and have sex for an hour... then they come back in the room and I have to listen to their pillow talk... oh, you´re leaving tomorrow, it´s our last night together, too bad this stupid Canadian guy is still here and we had to have sex in the washroom... Finally, it´s today. Get up early to catch a 11:00am bus. Go to bus station. Can I change my ticket? Nope. Bus left last night and you weren´t on it. Can I have my money back? Nope. Rip up ticket. Go next door. Buy ticket. Waste more money. 11:00am bus is full. Have to sit around all day till 5pm. Won´t get in till midnight. This is my Carnaval.

The Waiter Problem

2006-02-24T11:54:00.000-08:00

I have finally put my finger on the problem. The South American Waiter Problem. At first I thought it was just me, but no... turns out it is a huge anti-foreigner conspiracy. You see the problem is deceptively simple: Are there waiters?

Scenario 1) You walk into a restaurant. Many employee-like people mill about. They handle cash, serve food, and clean up dirty dishes... You immediately sit down at a table and wait for one of them to take your order. This never happens. Your resentment turns to embarrassment as you eventually realize: In this restaurant THERE ARE NO WAITERS. You have to place your order at the till and it will be delivered to you.

Scenario 2) You walk into a restaurant. There is only one woman behind the counter. Above her head is a menu. You approach her, fast-food style and place your order. She tells you to take a seat and the waiter... who amazingly appears from a back room... will be with you shortly. You are an impatient gringo and yes, in this restaurant, THERE ARE WAITERS.

It is a lose-lose situation. There is no way to tell which kind of restaurant is which. You are just supposed to ´know´. If you don´t know, then you are not from here, so go eat in one of those fancy restaurants for people who are not from here.

Valpo

2006-02-20T11:04:00.000-08:00

Some photos:

Driving down here can be somewhat fatal. You should have seen the other guy.

The van ride to the Cosquin Rock concert I went to in Cordoba, Argentina.

Our van getting searched by the cops.

At the concert.

Two fine English Blokes.

This is Mendoza, Argentina.

More Mendoza.

And even more Mendoza... nice, isn´t it?

Two guys I met in a brothel in Santiago

Oh, and in case you´re wondering, the zombie picture below is to celebrate the completion of the 1st draft of Zombie Love, my latest screenplay. It´s a romantic comedy about a zombie who tries to get back together with the girl he loved in life. But enough about that.

Tango vs. Salsa

2006-02-19T11:58:00.000-08:00

Went to a Salsa club last night. Regained faith in humanity. You have to understand... I spent so much time watching Tango in Argentina... and for those of you who don´t know... Tango is a dance you don´t really participate in... you just sit there and watch as two people droop around the dance floor, their feet flipping and flopping over each other like dying fish, and the whole time they look so sad it´s like their faces are going to fall off... This is punctuated by very old men playing guitars and singing about some ancient love story gone bad and how very hopeless and depressing it all is. And at the end you clap. CUT TO a thriving Salsa club, where everyone is shakin, slappin, spinnin, and you can´t hardly sit down without some lively chiquita asking you to dance with her on the tables... and uh oh, look out, cause she´s having a Salsa Orgasm... she loves it so much... better buy her another Cerveca... Here at the Salsatheque, people are HAPPY, hot-blooded, and horny. Salsa, spicy Salsa, for God´s sake... so fast-paced and sexy it makes your head spin. Go! Go forth, young man! Get thee to a Salsa club.

Barnacle

2006-02-16T11:16:00.000-08:00

Still trying to figure out how to work this thing and put pictures on it and everything so you guys won´t be bored. Gotta think of interesting things to say too. Um. Oh yeah, I had soup today. Clam soup. But there was a barnacle on one of the clams. so really it was barnacle soup. Interesting.

Propina, Idiota!

2006-02-15T16:41:00.000-08:00

So I drove in a bus and it almost hit a mountain except there was a big hole in the mountain and luckily the bus went through the hole and came out the other side and suddenly the flags were different so I was in Chile. Looks the same as Argentina except here everybody tips everybody for everything. Like the guy who throws your luggage on the bus. Hafta tip him. I coulda thrown it on myself, but whatever. I was gonna take 5 ounces of hash across the border but I thought, naw. Better give it to my Australian buddy (thats him in the helmet) and let him take it over the border. So I did that and as the dogs are sniffing my luggage I´m thinking, yeah, that was a pretty good decision. But then the customs officer stops in front of me with his dog and puts out his hand and I´m like What? I don´t have any drugs. I gave them to my friend. And he´s like, no idiot - tip me. so I tipped him.